well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
