Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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