so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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