so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
