We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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