WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
