the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
