They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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