i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
