Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
