she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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