He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
