yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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