dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
