I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
