Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
