1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my shit smells like andre
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
