She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
