one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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