my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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