Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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