Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
