My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
