My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
