Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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