mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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