just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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