The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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