oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
