I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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