well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
