I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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