i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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