fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I want a musical about memes.
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