yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
