Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
