Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
