Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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