You smell like stripper and shame
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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