ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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