Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
