WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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