So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
