I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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