You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
