I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
