I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
