I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
