Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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