Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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